Buffy straggled into her house after spending a restless night at Willow's. She hadn't gotten much sleep, her mind too busy running over and over what had happened earlier when she and Angel had been possessed by the ghosts of a student and the teacher who had been his lover. Buffy knew the only reason she was still alive was that she had been possessed by the boy and she had shot Angel. His immortality had broken the pattern and he had kept her from killing herself.
Although she had been possessed and the words and emotions she had expressed had been those of James, she remembered everything that had happened as if she had viewed it from a corner of her mind. When James and Grace had kissed....when she and Angel had kissed....Oh God.
Buffy had known the instant Angelus had returned and not just because she was back in control of her body. His lips had grown hard, painful. He had shoved her away and bolted. Despair had hit her in that instant. Her Angel was truly lost.
As she walked into the kitchen she heard the opening strains to one of her mother's favorite songs. Buffy had never really taken the time to listen to what she called her mother's fuddy-duddy music, but the words to this song suddenly took on new meaning.
*Lost in a feelin'
so very deep inside me
Something's not healing ever since you left this place
Oh, but I loved you and although I didn't know you
Just the idea of you brought rapture to my face*
Pain clutched at Buffy's heart. There *was* a hole deep inside her which she knew was never going to heal. When Angel had left her, he had taken a part of her with him.
And just when had she fallen in love with cryptic guy? She certainly hadn't known him--hadn't even known he was a vampire until after the feelings of love had begun to grow.
*I feel I almost got to know you
At least you made it to my heart
Even though we'll always be a world apart*
Worlds apart. That had been true from the beginning. She had never felt very secure going up against 242 years of experiences. Buffy knew she was young, flighty--what could so sophisticated a man have seen in her?
But, Angel *had* seen something in her, something that he had come to love. He had fought it even more than she had, but sometimes love was inevitable.
*Now I'm getting on without you
But I need to cry sometimes
'Cause I know we'll always be a world apart*
Buffy was trying to get on with her life without Angel in it, but it was so hard sometimes. Each incident showed her that they were truly farther apart. Each incident proved that she was learning to live without him. But, oh God, it did hurt. And every night she cried herself to sleep.
*Voices of children--
In the streets I hear them laughing
It all fades to one voice I hear crying in the night*
In her nightmares, Buffy heard Angel scream in the night. In her heart she knew he had fought the demon's takeover. Angel had disappeared from their bed into the night. Had he been frightened for her, for himself, for their love? Had he known what was happening? His screams, her name on his lips, woke her every night.
*I think about you wondering if you're out there listening
As if the words I sing will somehow bring you light*
Sometimes Buffy imagined that Angel's soul was watching over her, listening to her. She would find herself talking to him at the strangest times--only half aware she was doing so. She told him she was trying to be strong, that she was trying to survive without him.
Sometimes she prayed that she could see him one last time. That the real Angel would step out of the light of the sun and walk into her arms.
*Well I almost got to know you
At least you made it to my heart
But I know we'll always be a world apart*
*Now I'm getting on without you
But there's a shadow in my heart
'Cause I know we'll always be a world apart*
A shadow....there was a gaping hole in her heart. She would survive, she would go on. But, she would have to do it without Angel. Buffy knew this now, could admit it in her heart. They were worlds, lifetimes. Heaven and Earth separated them. And all that was left was the evil of Angelus.
*Seems I almost got to know you
At least you made it to my heart
But I know we'll always be a world apart*
*Through the constancy of memory
You will live inside my heart
Then we'll never have to be be a world apart*
Buffy would never forget Angel--not one detail. His face was burned in her memory. She could still feel his touch. The coolness of his lips, so unlike any other boy's. Buffy knew no other boy or man would fill her heart, because Angel would always reside in a part of it.
Someday, she might find someone new--someone who could live in her world and share her future--but he wouldn't be her Angel. Even though their love probably had been doomed from the start--Angel was her one true love.
*Over and over
I never knew how much till you were gone
Over and over and over you will be mine eternally*
*I never knew how much I loved you baby
Why do we have to be
At least you made it to my heart*
*You know I never knew how much
I never knew how much
I never knew how much
till you were gone*
Until that night they had made love, Buffy had never known how much she could possibly love another person. Until it was too late. Her love, their happiness had destroyed Angel. She was learning to live with that, but, oh God, it hurt so much....
The song faded. Buffy's mom turned from the sink where she had been washing the breakfast dishes and immediately grew concerned.
"Buffy, are you alright? Why are you crying?"
Buffy wiped quickly at the tears she hadn't even realized she was crying. "Nothing mom. It's just, that song..."
Joyce gave her daughter a surprised look. "You like one of my songs? You always scoff at my choice in music."
"Yeah, I know, this one got to me." Buffy sniffled. The song had hurt, but also had healed. "Can I borrow it for a few minutes to tape it?"
Joyce took the disk out of the player and handed it to Buffy. "Sure, honey. Are you certain you're okay?"
Buffy nodded and glanced down at the disk in her hand. Manhattan Transfer? Where did some of these fogey groups get their names?
As she headed up to her room, she read the names of the songs. Most held no interest for her, but she knew the one she wanted. "A World Apart."
She and Angel might be a world apart, but they would love each for all eternity. Buffy truly believed that...and that love would give her the strength to face Angelus and destroy him.
The End