"Ow." My first thought is...."OW!"
Opening my eyes, I blink blearily into the darkness. "Lovely," I mutter, then groan again as splitting pain pounds through my skull. I raise a trembling hand to my forehead and feel wetness.
That's when I freak out.
About five minutes later, I stop hyperventilating, and logic asserts itself in my scattered brain. I begin to try to figure out where I am. The last thing I remember is walking to my car after work. It was overcast and nasty--typical Kansas winter weather--and the idiot building management hadn't done anything to the icy sidewalks...
"I'll sue," I mutter to myself, then push myself up into a sitting position. My next thought is that I've gone blind, but by squinting I can just make out the hand I wave in front of my nose, and something faintly pale and very narrow in the distance.
Okay, partially blind. I can work that.
Now sitting on the cold, hard...ground?...I pat my hand down and it comes up dusty. It has been raining and sleeting and basically shitting down ice for the entire day. There cannot be a speck of dust anywhere outside in my hometown.
"Great, they kidnaped me so I wouldn't sue." I shake my head, then groan for about two minutes as it feels like it's ready to fall off my shoulders.
"Okay, Laure, take stock here." I take a couple of cleansing breaths and again try to figure out where I am. As I feel around myself I find twigs and small rocks. Moving carefully to my hands and knees, I start crawling to the pale shape in the distance. I move about three feet forward, muttering about them paying for the holes I can feel forming in my favorite lycra dress, then I close my hand over leather.
As I squeeze what I quickly determine to be the toes of a boot, a growl comes from off to my left, then the rattle of chains. My hand flies off the boot and I fall backwards, fear making my heart pound.
I'm not alone in the dark.
"I won't hurt you," a sullen, male, English voice says. "Can't bloody hurt you."
I swallow hard, not particularly inclined to believe the male person rattling the chains, and scoot farther backwards on my butt, putting more holes in my dress as I scrape myself over loose pebbles and twigs.
I hit a rough wall and bang my head. Cursing softly, I close my eyes for a minute, trying to will the new pain to fade as the old one is slowly doing. Drawing my knees up to my chin and wrapping my arms around myself, I realize I'm doing it because it's cold and damp.
And my new, red fleece coat is missing along with my purse.
"Great kidnaped AND mugged. This day sucks." The fear I'm feeling belies my cocky attitude, but I always talk to myself so...
"You're scared."
"No shit," I shoot back, then roll my eyes. Don't talk to the person chained up, Laure.
"Your heart's pounding."
"So's my head, so can you not talk or breathe or..." Something hits me--actually a couple somethings--and I catch my breath in my throat, straining my exceptionally good ears.
There is no sound from the other side of the--oh, let's call it a room. No breathing. I expel the breath I am holding and the sound fills the air. Wherever we are, the space isn't very big, so I should hear him breathing or moving or doing something.
I begin to panic again, my breath ragged and loud, my heart thumping in my chest. I don't know where I am or what has happened to me, all I know is the person sitting across from me isn't breathing.
Talking, but not breathing.
As I'm panicking, scrabbling at the dirt beneath me but unable to find the strength to rise and run screaming into the night...or day...or Hell or whatever, a loud noise comes from my right in the direction of the pale shape.
It's the scrape of a large rock being moved.
Light floods into the space and I raise my arm to block it away from my eyes, blinking as I'm momentarily blinded.
A rancid, rotten smell fills the space and I gag, covering my mouth and nose with my other hand. A shape appears before me, between me and the other person, blocking out some of the light, and I see scales and fangs and horns and a really big...tail.
I scream until my throat is raw, my mind unable to process the thing in front of me. Something from my worst nightmare, or the worst 'b' movie ever made is standing over me, drooling. A big globule of spit lands on one of my very expensive black pumps, and suddenly all the fear is gone.
"EUUUU."
"Yeah, he's real euu worthy, luv."
That comes from the chained guy, the non-breathing guy, whose voice reverberates through me, until all the fogginess finally leaves my brain, and I gasp one word.
Or, better, one name. "Spike?"
"Yeah, I'm Spike. Have we met? Don't know many humans, least not ones that are still living," he muses.
The thing over me growls and nudges me with one cloven hoof. I skitter to the left, as my mind tries to process this new, impossible information.
"Okay, I have a concussion and I'm hallucinating, yeah, that's the ticket," I mutter, continuing to move away as the hideous, drooling thing keeps nudging me. "Cut that out," I finally yell, only to have it reach down and grab my arm. I find myself flying across the...okay, it's a cave; I finally get that as I see rock walls and ceiling as I land inelegantly on top of the most gorgeous male creature I've ever seen.
My face is in his crotch, but I still know he's the most gorgeous male creature I've ever seen.
"Oh, lovely, is this my last meal and play toy rolled into one?" Spike snorts.
I quicky raise my head, shoving myself up to my knees and find myself straddling his legs which are stretched out in front of him. He pouts at me and I stare at his cheekbones.
"I kind of liked your head down there, luv." He smirks and I sigh.
"Huh?"
His hands are chained loosely above his head with enough give for him to bring them down to my shoulders. One stops on my forehead and comes away bloody. He slips his fingers into his mouth and I watch him savor my blood, a look of bliss on his beautiful face.
I'm sitting on Spike. I finally begin to process that. I have no clue how I got here--since, obviously, Spike isn't real in my world, he's played by an American guy named James--and, at the moment, I don't really care about ever leaving.
He lifts his head and runs his tongue over my bleeding forehead.
Behind me, the demon creature thing grunts in what I gather is approval, then begins to chant. Spike keeps licking me and I lean into his tongue, purring in pleasure.
The chanting grows louder, the language basically a bunch of grunts and snarls with the occasional 'pingo zingo' thrown in for good measure. I'm beginning to wonder if I can just stay here forever, with Spike licking me, when he whispers in my ear.
First, the actual whispering sends shivers through me, then as the message seeps in, I frown and lift my head.
"What?"
He frowns back and makes gesturing gestures with his head in the direction of the bad guy. I scowl, pout, then sigh in reluctant agreement.
I really don't want to die, even though every new movement makes my head hurt even more, so I push myself to my feet and face the chanting thing.
This can't possibly work. Nothing can be this easy and this stupid.
Rolling my eyes, I sway towards the creature, who frowns or smiles at me--with that mouth full of fangs, who can tell? It continues to chant and drool. I feel my stomach turn and try not to make a face.
"Hey big boy," I force out in my most enticing voice. "Spike says you're a breast man." As I say the incredibly stupid words, I yank down the neck of my lyric dress and my bra until one breast pops free.
As I turn bright red, the thing gapes and its eyes glaze over. Behind me I hear the breaking of chains and scuffling noises, then hands land on my shoulders and drag me backwards toward the cave entrance. I start to pull my dress back up but Spike barks at me to leave it alone.
Great, my boob is mesmerizing a demon.
Can this day get odder?
Outside the cave, Spike spins me around and tugs my dress up for me, grinning appreciatively. I feel myself blushing even more, then my eyes widen as a roar comes from behind us.
"Knew it wouldn't last long," Spike mutters, grabbing my hand and pulling me down a brush covered hill and into a forest. I stumble and he glares in the moonlight at my shoes.
"Uh uh, no way, they cost me nearly two hundred bucks." As I protest his obvious intentions, Spike lifts first one foot, then the other, yanking my pumps off. "HEY!"
"I'll buy you a dozen pairs, just RUN."
Barefoot, still clinging to his hand, I follow him through the forest. He seems to know where he's going, and we're moving fast, as from behind us come the inevitable sounds of pursuit. I want to ask Spike...well, I want to ask him a whole Hell of a lot of questions, but the first being...What the Hell does that thing want?
But, I'm out of breath and gasping rather loudly, so I hold in my questions and just wince and moan as my feet get torn up from the rough ground. Suddenly we emerge from the forest into the edge of a town. We're no longer running on the forest floor, we're running down a badly paved road, and my feet begin to go numb.
I know I have to be slowing Spike down, and I wonder why he doesn't leave me behind. I mean, this is Spike, the vampire, the big bad, etcetera. Still, he holds my hand tightly and pulls me with him. We turn down another street and then into a parking lot and I dimly wonder why we're going grocery shopping. As we enter the store, the bright lights make my head hurt even more, but I follow docilely as he skids us around the carts and heads directly for the distant salad bar.
About the time we made the turn onto the grocery store's street, from the position of the moon and lack of traffic, I figured out it is some time in the middle of the night. The nearly empty store pretty much confirms that, but still a checker yells something about no shoes.
Oops.
Glancing down, I nearly stumble over my own feet as I see the bloody footprints I'm making on the white tile. I also notice that my dress is snagged and torn in several places.
I really hope my white panties with the red hearts aren't showing.
Screams come from behind us and I realize the demon's entered the store. I open my mouth to ask Spike what the Hell we're doing here, when he comes to a screeching halt. I run into his back and bounce backwards, then stare at the head of iceberg lettuce he hands me.
"Did you know that some people think your hair looks like lettuce?" I mumble, that being the only thought that comes to my mind at the moment. He stares blankly at me, then hefts a couple heads of the pale green vegetable.
"When it turns the corner, lob as much lettuce at its head as you can."
That's just too much for my addled brain to handle. "Okay, that's as stupid as me flashing my boob at it."
"Hey, I don't create the demons, I just fight them," he retorts, taking a fighting stance. I admire that so much, that I miss the demon entering the produce section. I come out of my stupor to see Spike flinging heads of lettuce like softballs. Shaking myself, I throw the one in my hands.
It lands about five feet shy of the baddie.
Spike gives a huge sigh and shoves me behind him, picking up more heads of lettuce and throwing them, hitting the demon in the head every time.
The thing howls and wails and flails. It tries to beat off the lettuce before the heads impact, but Spike's aim is unerring. I stare in amazement as the creature begins to shrink in on itself, until finally, just as the bin of lettuce is depleted, it makes a small poofing noise and disappears.
Spike turns to me and scowls. "You throw like a girl."
"I AM a girl," I retort, straightening my dress, then flushing as his eyes land on my chest.
"More like a woman, luv."
I watch in amazement as he takes my hand and tucks it into his arm, then leads me down the aisle past the heap of lettuce.
"You know, you were supposed to be my meal. Vampire drains pretty thing while big demon chants and pretty thing's body gets reanimated as something icky or something like that. Too bad for it I've been so bored these last few months I've actually been reading up on demons and knew its weaknesses."
"Its weaknesses were incredibly lame."
"Most demons' are, luv." We exit the store, stop at a bank of payphones and he sits me down on a bench. "I'm going to call in for backup and we'll get those feet tended to."
"You can lick them, if you'd like." I immediately flush and drop my eyes, but not before seeing the interest in his.
He makes his call, then sits down next to me. "How come you're not scared of me?"
"After that thing...?" I shrug, my mind whirling a mile a minute. What should I tell him?
"So, you know me, and I'm sure it's a fascinating tale as to how, but you are?"
That cocky grin makes my heart flutter and I smile weakly. "Laure."
The grin grows and his arm finds its way behind me, ostensibly resting on the back of the bench, but... "So, luv, no ring on your finger, any commitments I need to...rid you of?"
I blink, then feel his hand cup my shoulder, and I slump weakly against him. Just his touch makes all my aches and pains fade away. "Well, see, I have this bump on my head, and I don't really remember..." Okay, it's lame, but I'm not on my earth anymore, I have no idea if my family, friends, job or house are back in Kansas, I'm in California being cuddled by the most gorgeous male in the universe...
"Amnesia?" He grins even wider, a hint of evilness flickering in his eyes. "So...I can just sweep you out of here and..."
"Have your wicked way with me," I whisper, my eyes meeting his.
Spike chuckles softly and hugs me closer. "You know, this whole being neutered thing has really sucked, and not just for the 'can't kill' reason, but do you know how incredibly insane I've been going stuck with a bunch of 19 year olds?" He doesn't seem to care that I shouldn't have any clue what he's talking about, just continues, "How old are you, luv?"
"Thirty four."
"That'll do." His mouth covers mine, and I decide to go along with everything. Old life gone, new life beginning. Heck, maybe I'm in a coma, or dead and this is heaven; I don't really care.
As long as he keeps kissing me.
Where DID he learn to do that thing with his tongue?
End