Spike banged his fists down onto the desk in frustration, sending the mouse off the edge to dangle uselessly and papers flying. "Shit!"
Dru sidled up to him and began to rub his shoulders gently. "What's wrong, luv?"
"This damn ethernet card won't work. When I try to install the software, it tells me that there are files missing, but they're right there!" He pointed ineffectually to the screen where a file in WINDOWS/SYSTEM was highlighted.
"What's an ether...ether whatever? Does it make you sleepy?" Drusilla asked.
"Not that kind of ether," Spike said sharply. Drusilla whimpered. "Sorry, luv, I'm just so frustrated. I've spent hours trying to install this card so I can use my new cable modem. This, after the cable guy spent hours on it earlier today," he said in a more conciliatory voice.
"I don't understand."
"No shit," Spike said under his breath. He looked over for help to Angel who lounged on a couch reading the latest Grisham novel.
"He needs a cable modem so he can download vampire porn faster," Angel said without looking up.
Spike growled at him and Drusilla stamped her foot and began to pout.
"I need it so that I can read my email at a faster pace than the slow as mud connection we have through Supernatural Internet Direct and Hotmail," Spike explained. "Angel, tomorrow at dusk take this thing back to Geek Computers and tell them I want it working with all the drivers and software loaded! They're open until 9:00."
"Why me?"
"Your bitch of a girlfriend put me in this chair, so you can bloody well do this for me!"
"Fine."
*****
The next night, thirty minutes after dusk, Angel returned to the warehouse empty handed.
"Where's my computer?" Spike asked.
"I left it there."
"Why?"
"Well, first the non-brand ethernet card they used doesn't work with your brand of computer, so they're installing a more expensive one."
"Of course," Spike sighed.
"Secondly, apparently, since you bought the thing at some 24 hour office warehouse store, it has a cheap hard drive which they think is going bad, so they're going to replace it. Tom, the technician assigned to your computer, can get a new hard drive in by tomorrow, but has class all day, so he won't be able to get it installed until Friday."
"WHAT?!"
*****
Friday evening finally came and Spike once again prodded Angel to go get the computer. As he waited, he set out all his cds and disks which he would have to reinstall on his new hard drive. Luckily he had backed up all the important stuff--vampire porn, South Park clips, you know, the important stuff.
As soon as Angel set the machine on the desk, Spike eagerly began plugging all the conveniently color coded plugs into the appropriate sockets. With a feeling of joy he rarely felt, he picked up the cable modem and felt on the back of the computer for the phone-jack like socket. It wasn't there.
Spike's face fell and he quickly turned the machine on its side. His scream of fury ricocheted through the warehouse. The idiots had used a card with some kind of port instead of what looked like a large phone jack!
"What now?" Angel demanded.
Spike figuratively took a deep breath, glanced at his watch and saw that it was 9:05, and turned towards Angel to explain the new problem. "It goes back tomorrow night and tell Tom he better get it right this time."
Angel sighed. "You know, I do have a life--well, sort of a life--of my own to live." Spike wheeled towards him at an alarming pace. "Okay, okay."
*****
Saturday night shortly after dusk Angel brought the computer back again. Spike first checked to make sure it had the right kind of connecter--it did--then plugged everything back in. Happy at last, he clicked on NETWORK and began to insert into the TCP/IP section all the numbers the cable guy had left. When that was done, he drummed his fingers on the desk waiting for Windows 95 to reboot. Finally, he clicked on NETSCAPE.
Stopping Netscape's home page from loading, he typed in the address for Hotmail and waited...and waited. After five minutes of trying to contact Hotmail, he stopped that search and clicked on one of the bookmarks provided by Netscape 4. Nothing.
Again a scream of anger ricocheted through the warehouse and Spike's nails dug deep gouges in the arms of his wheelchair.
*****
Two hours later, after spending thirty minutes on the phone being walked through the numbers by a cable guy, a lackey escorted a rather nervous young man through the door. From her spot on the couch curled up next to Angel--and Spike was so pissed at the world, he didn't even care-- Drusilla looked up avariciously.
"Is dinner here," she purred.
"No, this is the cable guy. Everyone OUT."
Angel sauntered to the desk to hover over the cable guy who sat gingerly in the desk chair wondering what he had gotten himself into. "Oh, but I want to stay."
"Take Dru out for dinner."
With a grin, Angel waltzed Drusilla out of the room. This was beginning to get fun.
*****
Two hours later Spike wanted to kill someone really badly. The possible consensus was that Tom at Geek Computers hadn't loaded the software properly.
"I'm sorry I can't be of more help. The cable works; the modem works. Without the software, I can't do anything further. Remember, next time you have hardware installed get all the documentation, software, even the box."
With great restraint Spike managed not to kill the guy--he might be needed again. "Thank you for your help," he said through gritted teeth. He called for one of his lackeys to guide the cable guy out of the building, then spent an hour wheeling around the room in frustration until Drusilla returned to comfort him.
What really sucked was that Spike didn't even have access to a decent computer with a phone modem. To prevent conflicts, he had disabled the phone modem on his new computer and was a little wary of rehooking it in case it screwed something up further. (Also the nearest phone jack was twenty feet across the room from where the cable was installed.) The only other computer they had was an ancient 386 with a 14.4 modem that was slower than shit. He could download his email and read it quickly in Word Perfect, but it would take hours each night to answer and send new messages.
Between trying to keep Angel from taking his position as "King" of the Sunnydale vampires and wheeling physically between Angel and Drusilla one hundred times a night, Spike didn't have time to spend on the internet with such a slow connection.
Angel and Drusilla returned from feeding laughing at a private joke. Spike glowered at the sight of Angel's arm totally noncasually around Drusilla's shoulder, but didn't have the energy to do anything about it.
"Is it working yet?" Angel asked in a deceptively sweet voice.
"Die...."
Angel laughed. "It's not the end of the world."
"You try sitting in this damn chair forever, in this rotting warehouse forever. In fact, I'd be glad to pull your spine out so you would have to..."
"Okay, okay. What do you want me to do next?" Angel asked, holding up his hands in mock surrender.
"Damn, tomorrow's the stupid Christian holy day--nothing will be open after dark in this pit of a town. First thing Monday night go get the software for this ethernet card." Spike handed Angel a piece of paper and Angel bowed in mock servitude. That attitude was really beginning to piss off Spike.
*****
Sunday dawdled along endlessly. Spike spent the day shooting the buzzing BBC fairies on his Monty Python screen saver and listening to their soothing splat. He spent the evening dismembering the two coeds Angel brought him for dinner. With every bone, muscle, vein and organ he destroyed, he imagined he was doing the same to Tom.
*****
Waiting for Angel to return with the software, Spike began to have a really bad feeling about the whole thing. The drivers should have been in Windows 95. The damn thing should work.
Angel returned and handed him a disk. "They want this back ASAP."
"Where's the software that came with the ethernet card?" Spike asked, puzzled.
Angel shrugged his shoulders. "Don't ask me. The owner is beginning to piss me off. He's acting like this is all our fault. Can I kill him?"
"After this works, you can do anything you want to him."
Ten minutes after Angel had handed him the disk, Spike discovered that it was worthless--a disk for a different brand of ethernet card. In frustrated anger he pounded deep dents into the arms of his wheelchair for nearly an hour, then he ran over Angel's foot just out of spite.
"Hey!"
In a very controlled voice, Spike told Angel to phone Geek Computers and get a technician here as soon as possible, even during the day.
An appointment was made for Tuesday at 2:30. Spike hated being awake during the day, but he was only a millimeter away from snapping, so he'd do it. It had better work....
*****
When Thor--excuse me?--arrived the next day, right on time--which was lucky for him--Spike was groggy and ticked off. He explained that he worked nights and led Thor to the computer.
"Cool place," Thor said, looking around.
"Thank you. I assume you've been told everything that has been done in the last week?"
"Yep. Let's see what the problem is." He began to work his way through PROGRAM MANAGER.
Spike quickly dozed off only to be awakened in time to see the technician removing the first card he had been given (which, apparently during Spike's doze, he had installed).
"Tom told me that card isn't compatible with my computer," Spike said wearily.
"That's weird. Well, it wasn't working anyway. The port address wasn't right. We've got some top of the line ethernet cards ordered. They'll work with any computer in any port."
"When will they arrive?" Spike asked with a sinking feeling.
"Two to three days. Do you want me to reserve one?"
"I guess. Why don't you hook the other card back in--card number three."
"Yeah, I was going to do that, see if I can fix the port problem."
Feeling very depressed Spike watched the kid install the hardware then install the software. "Well, it looks like it's okay." Spike perked up and wheeled closer. "Let me insert the numbers and codes the cable company gave you."
Spike handed Thor a piece of paper and a few minutes later the computer was rebooting for the thousandth time in the past week.
"It's asking for an ethernet password."
"Oh, that's SPIKE&DRU, all in caps," replied Spike. Thor entered them.
"Now it wants the Window's password."
Spike grew baffled. "There is no Window's password. I never put one in."
"Hmm, well, there's one there." Thor tried a few things, then skipped that screen and went to PROGRAM MANAGER to try to change the password. "Well, that was simple. I made it think I was the supervisor. What do you want as the password?"
Beginning to feel gleeful, Spike thought for a minute. What was his favorite thing, his dream? "Hell."
"Oookay." Thor changed the password, went through the motions again and then clicked on NETSCAPE. Hotmail immediately came up.
"YES!" Spike exclaimed. "Finally."
Spike paid Thor, thanking him profusely, then escorted him out of the warehouse. Suddenly too energized to sleep, he returned to his computer and began to work his way through his email....and search for his favorite vampire porn.
*****
At nightfall, Angel and Drusilla straggled into the room to find Spike engrossed in a lively online chat between various vampire kings over the problems of religious zealots.
"I see it finally works," Angel said with a yawn.
"It's wonderful. It goes so fast." Spike was still in a happy daze.
Drusilla smiled and leaned down to kiss him on the cheek. "Daddy's happy?"
"Daddy would be ecstatic with one final thing." Spike gestured to Angel and whispered in his ear. Angel grinned and with a nod strode from the room.
*****
An hour later Angel returned with several other vampires, all looking happy and full. Angel had a head lock on a struggling computer geek whom he was half carrying, half dragging.
"That was fun!" Angel proclaimed. "We killed them all-- except for Thor who peed himself before we let him run away--then torched the place. Here's your present." He forced his captive to his knees next to Spike's wheelchair.
"Well, Tom, you messed with the wrong person," Spike said with a smile. His game face came on and Tom shrieked in fear. "Actually, I'm not a person at all...." And he dragged Tom to his mouth.
The End