With a shaking hand, she unfolded the stiff, expensive paper. Her eyes took a moment to focus on the old-fashioned script written with a common ballpoint pen. The paper and style of lettering spoke of wealth and education.
Trust him to use a cheap pen.
She sat slowly, her hand shaking as she gripped the paper, a part of her wanting to refold it and ignore it. It was several minutes before she found the courage to read the contents of his final letter.
Dear Buffy,
I don't know if Andrew told you of my return to life. I figure he did. The boy never could keep his mouth shut.
I want you to know that I wanted to come to you. I yearned to see you, talk to you, touch you. I was nearly on the plane to Italy a half dozen times.
But something held me back.
I can see you, reading this, wondering what on earth would do that, as I've never been known for my restraint. It wasn't Angel. I'll get that out right away. It wasn't because I didn't know why I was back and would have trouble explaining it, because, even though I didn't learn the truth till recently, why I was back was never all that important.
No, I stayed away for you.
Getting my soul back really didn't change me much--outside of the insanity. I'm still the selfish prick I'd become in over a hundred years as a vampire. But, my love for you was as real with my soul as it was without, and while I did stupid things without it, one thing I learned to do with it, was give you space and time.
Let you make the first move.
When I believed you were being threatened by the Immortal, and then found out you were dating him--you can do much better, luv--I came to Italy to save you, but, naturally, you didn't need saving and Angel made an idiot of himself.
Okay, I did, too.
But I stayed away from you because I knew you weren't ready for me yet, even if you did know I was alive again.
I thought we'd have the time.
I was wrong.
Angel's made mistakes by joining Wolfram & Hart, letting evil whisper in his ear. My return to existence was one more cog in a great big wheel of darkness revolving around him and dragging him from the white hats. So, I feel I have to stay and help him win the day and break free of the bad guys.
Only the bad guys always have hordes, and we're just a merry little band of men and monsters.
I don't think I'll survive this fight, luv, so I'm writing to you to say goodbye.
Again.
If you didn't know I was back from the beyond, then I'm amazed at Andrew's forbearance, and sorry you had to find out this way, but I really doubt that's the case, so I'm mostly sorry I can't say goodbye in person.
No, I'm mostly sorry I'm going to die.
I don't regret fighting the good fight. Wolfram & Hart is evil and needs to be taken down a peg. But, damn, I wish I was with you instead of here, trying to live the rest of my life in one final day. I'd wish you were here but that would be selfish of me.
Oh, wait, I'm still selfish.
Wish you were here, luv, because I wouldn't waste this opportunity as I did the last night before the apocalypse. I'd make love to you until we were both too exhausted to move, and I'd die happy in your arms.
That's a nice thought to end this on.
I love you, Buffy, always and forever, but I also want you to be happy, so do that for me, luv, and I'll die well-blessed.
Love,
Spike
Hand trembling, Buffy let the letter flutter to her lap as tears rolled down her cheeks. She had known of his return--Andrew had spilled the beans months before--but she'd made no move to see him or call him or let him know that she knew.
And now he was gone...again...dead...for real.
A sob broke from her and she curled into a ball on the couch, weeping for a love she'd never accepted, never been ready for.
And now it was too late.
A hand brushed across her back, patted her awkwardly, and she waited for Dawn to ask hesitantly what was wrong, who had died. But there was no question, only soothing strokes. When the fingers brushed her bare neck, she shivered at the cool, callous-free skin.
She knew those fingers.
Jerking up her head in wonder, Buffy stared wildly at the man crouching at her side.
Spike smiled and pulled her into his arms.
"Sorry to worry you, luv."
"You're alive," she croaked out, her arms tightening around him as joy replaced grief.
"Bloody hard to kill."
Pulling back, she punched him in the nose, then kissed him hard as he gasped and gaped at her.
"Don't ever do that again. Twice is two too many."
"I'll hold you to the same," Spike replied, emotion making his voice crack as they embraced again, Buffy sliding off the couch and onto his lap.
"Deal," she swore before kissing him again with all the love and passion she was finally able to accept.
End